Patricia Ciavarello: [00:00:00] *Hey, my name is Patricia Ciavarello and I am obsessed with all things motherhood and helping you keep calm in the chaos of motherhood and life's unexpected moments. I am a mom of twins with a doctorate in business whose world fell apart and had to pick myself up piece by piece. I am not an expert, but I have totally been there and I am so far from perfect, but definitely not afraid to get real and vulnerable. *
*I teach you the secrets to motherhood and life I wish someone told me, because as much as we wish there was, nobody hands you a mommy manual. So pull up a seat, get comfy and get ready for me to spill my secrets. This is Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You. *
I am so grateful that you are tuned into this episode of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You. Now I'm going to warn you [00:01:00] today. I am probably going to be super vulnerable and maybe even the most vulnerable I've ever been and truth be told, this was like one of those biggest lessons that I learned really early on in motherhood, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
So be ready here. It comes. So a little bit of background. So before kids, before I had my twins, I was, I would consider myself like decently confident, right? Like I walked with confidence. I had like an inner knowing. And inner belief in myself and, you know, I felt I had it altogether. And at the time I was, I had bought this like gorgeous, beautiful wig, because truth is, I always from a child have [00:02:00] loved long blonde hair and that's like, all I ever wanted, everything that I thought was beautiful was long and blonde and I grew up with that obsession with straight hair and blonde hair and, you know, everything that you all always see in the magazines and the movies. Right. It was my vision of what beauty was. And I wasn't ashamed of it. I walked with confidence in the wig. I didn't question myself. Everybody told me, oh, uh, you know, like why you wearing that?
Like I was unapologetic about it and I really felt great. And then I had twins and I gotta tell you, it was like a completely different perspective because my daughter, I have twins, a boy and my daughter just happened to have curly hair [00:03:00] like I do. And I found myself, you know, like caring for her and like doing her hair in the bath and when she came out and I'd always tell her, you know, you're so beautiful and you're so beautiful, like exactly as you are just as you are.
And one day. It hit me now at that point, right. I had not even looked at the wig, put on the wig in like, I don't even know, months and months and months, so I wasn't even thinking about it. And it hit me like a ton of bricks and I said, oh my gosh, how could I be telling her that she is beautiful just as she is, but me, myself not feel beautiful just as I am now. Let me just put a little disclaimer in here. I am so for extensions, wigs, whatever it is that fills your cup and makes you feel beautiful. [00:04:00] But, and this is big, but the key thing is, is to not hide your authentic self behind it. And you probably like, what the hell do you mean?
Right. What I mean is. Hiding behind the wig. Yes. I love the wig and I have no qualms about wearing wigs and putting on extensions and you know, all that stuff. But at the root, at the root of it, I was not feeling as beautiful without it, as I did with it. And that was like the key aha moment for me. I was like, oh wow, like you're hiding behind the wig.
If I truly felt as beautiful with the wig and without the wig, I would have never even questioned it, but because I knew deep inside, I didn't, it had kind of forced me to address all these insecurities and like [00:05:00] childhood wounds that I had that I didn't even realize at the time when I was wearing it.
I kind of like buried them inside and, and never thought about them again. But here I was a new mom with a daughter and I'm telling her to feel beautiful in her own skin and confident in her own skin exactly how she is. But deep inside, I didn't feel that way. And deep inside I was covering it up and I never ever wanted her to feel the insecurities that I felt. So my number one job was to really address those and figure out what was really going on. Oh, my gosh. I remember like it was yesterday, um, being in elementary school. And if you could just picture this. So I [00:06:00] was a, um, curly haired, like really curly hair, like kinky curls, like probably covered the kids head behind me because my hair was so tall in class photos.
Big curls. And you know, nobody in my family even knew what to do with my curls cause nobody really had curly curly hair like me. And it was like, we kept trying to, you know, figure this out and figure that out. And at the end of the day, I didn't even know how to take care of my own to be honest.
And, you know, from a really young age, I'd like spent my life in the hair salon and I'd have two and three people like tugging at my hair and tugging at my curls. So it was almost like a, um, a sore spot for me because I felt, I didn't know it at the time, but as an adult, I felt like it was always trying to be fixed in a way, [00:07:00] like it was never good.
As it was. And I always struggled with my hair. Like I felt like I was always fussing with it or like, well, what do I do with it? Or, you know, I don't, I don't feel pretty when I wake up in the morning, cause my hair is a crazy disaster and you know, like, you know, people with straight hair, they just wake up and they look like they just did their hair.
And I, I felt like, um, as a kid, at least a child, I felt like I always needed to put that extra effort in order to feel part of the group in order to feel accepted. And a lot of times, you know, especially when you become an adult, sometimes those, all those memories are, are buried and you don't even realize how.
Deep within, they still affect you. So I'll never forget this day. I remember I was in, um, elementary [00:08:00] school and remember big curly, tight hair. And, um, there was this, um, a classmate of mine behind me and I thought I had something in my hair, but to be honest, I really didn't even notice. And so I went through the whole day and came home and took a bath and my mom's combing my hair out.
And all of a sudden she was like, what is this? It's not funny, but she finds, these erasers. And like, you know, this little pencil erasers, the little pink ones and, um, staples. Like undone staples in my hair. And like, you can literally throw anything. I probably wouldn't have even noticed it was so fluffy.
And it was like a barrier around my head and [00:09:00] she took them out and like never said another word about it. And I truly, I think at the time, I almost like emotionally buried it because I had no reaction to it. It was almost like I expected it to happen or I expected to be teased, or I felt like no sense of self-worth enough to, to even like stick up for myself when it happened.
And, and again, like as a child, you don't even know. You know, those little moments, when you come home and you find an eraser in your hair or, or, you know, someone teases you at school or calls you a name. And now looking back as a mom, as, as an adult, I realized that I never [00:10:00] felt pretty enough.
I never felt included. I never felt really part of the group. And. I never really felt worthy of love, especially when it came to relationships, I felt like, oh my gosh, like who is going to love this head of hair? I mean, that's really, truly what I thought. And then, the fast forward to wearing the wig. I was hiding behind it.
I was like, oh gosh, this is the solution right now. I don't even have to do my hair in the morning. I just put it on like a hat and I never even have to think twice about it. And yeah, I loved it. I still have it actually, uh, haven't thrown it away or anything. I love it. It's gorgeous. But once I realized that I was hiding behind it, I knew something had to change.
So that really caused me to address the deeper issues of, you know, why don't you feel good [00:11:00] enough and why are you, um, questioning your self worth? And you know, what narrative was I really telling myself as an adult, you know, are you really not worthy of love or are these just repeated stories you've told yourself as a kid.
And of course I realized that now when you go through so many of these childhood wounds, and then, you know, a lot of times we become adults, we become moms and, you know, we're stuck in the responsibilities and kind of the whirlwind of it all. You almost forget to check in with yourself and be like, hey, like what's going on here?
Like, what is this all about? And it really forced me to confront them. That I could be whole for them. And so that I could show them my confidence, not just through my words, but [00:12:00] through my actions. And it was such a pivotal moment for me because it showed me one how really fragile we are as children too.
I mean, that memory is so ingrained in my head. I couldn't forget it, even if I wanted to. And that was just one of many instances that has happened to me, you know, throughout my childhood, but it it's almost like, uh, an open wound that never really goes away until forced to really get to the root of it and realize that those stories, those truths, that, that you've been believing that you've been told since a child and, you know, [00:13:00] maybe it happened to you in school. Maybe it happened to you by family. Maybe, you know, there could be so many issues that we've all experienced, right? We're all human. No life is perfect. We all go through hardship and challenges and, you know, everyone has a story to tell and everyone has a wound to heal.
And what I'm trying to say is it always comes back and in some way, you know, like it always comes back, especially at least I find when you become a mom and you realize that some of these wounds that you thought were healed are actually still open and the responsibility is really on us to heal them so that we can, um, show our children a better way. And so that they don't, um, [00:14:00] repeat childhood wounds that maybe we encountered as adults. Right. And, um, my gosh, it could be so many things. It could be, you know, maybe you had issues around body image, or maybe you had issues around, um, you know, maybe you have spiraling thoughts or maybe you don't feel heard, or maybe it's past hurts by friends or family, or maybe you don't feel worthy of love.
Maybe, you know, you feel kind of broken inside and, or maybe you're overwhelmed by life and, and, just don't know what step to take next, or maybe, maybe it's a toxic relationship. All these, all these wounds, right? These childhood wounds, whether we're told, you know, we're not pretty enough for, we're not smart enough or, or we're not worthy of being heard or, um, maybe it's, you know, [00:15:00] betrayal by friends or family or maybe you just don't feel like, you know, maybe you made some mistakes and you don't feel worthy of that love whether it's for yourself or from someone else, or maybe you've been in a really bad relationship and it kind of tarnished you and, you know, hardened your exterior and you're afraid to open up and be vulnerable.
I mean, there's so many childhood wounds and adult wounds. I mean, wounds don't end when we become adults, right? There's new wounds and new hurts and, and new things to overcome. But at the end of the day, if we don't dig deeper, right and we don't think about, you know, what are my triggers? What is it that really sets me off?
Or what is it that doesn't feel authentic? Like when I, when I said [00:16:00] those words to my daughter, you know, you are beautiful exactly as you are I had the alarms going off inside me, like, wait a minute. Something's not right here. Like it triggered, it, triggered something in me. To know that it was something I had to address.
And it's all about really trusting that inner voice, that, that little voice inside that's always there and is always meant to guide you and protect you, that inner knowing that inner knowing as a mom is your full proof 1000% always, right radar. I don't care what it is whether it is a decision you're faced in or a situation you're put in where that inner knowing that alarm system, whenever [00:17:00] it goes off, no matter what the situation, no matter who it's in reference to if you hear one thing here this, that radar, that mother's intuition, that inner alarm is always, always, always, always, always, always, right. I am strong believer in that, that a mother's intuition, even if all arrows point to a different direction, even if everyone is telling you, you're crazy, a mother knows and so many times, you know, we get caught up in the, what everybody else thinks, or what is everybody else gonna think, or, I mean, making the right choice and we doubt ourselves and we let them influence. And I'm not saying it's not good to take advice because advice is great and gets you to think about all different perspectives on all different sides.
And, you know, you need to make an [00:18:00] educated decision, but at the end of the day, your intuition is foolproof. And following that inner knowing and trusting that inner knowing is really your guiding light. And that is what's going to guide you. And every decision as a mom, every decision, you know, when, when, when you're laying in bed and you're staring at the ceiling and you're worried about something, whether it be something specific to your kids or, or whatever it is deep inside. Right. That inner knowing of, you know,, look at all the things we've been through. Look at all the things we've overcome. And look at all the things that we will overcome. Like it will not defeat you. It will not break you and you have everything you need and everything it takes to get through it, whatever that [00:19:00] situation is.
And it's almost like having faith in that, in there, in that inner knowing that everything's going to be okay. Because I know worry as a mom is no joke and it is something that could eat you out alive, literally. And sometimes the problems are so big and heavy and, you know, we beat ourselves up about it. And at the end of the day, you have the answer you within, you have the answer and you know what that answer is, and it's trusting that and believing in that and knowing.
That intuition is there for a reason and it's there to guide you. So find peace in that and know that it's there exactly for that purpose. So when all of these, you know, wounds come in and all these triggers come in, you know, come back to that and say, you know what? This might be hard right now. [00:20:00] Or I might be struggling in this area right now, but I know I'm going to be okay.
And I know that I'm going to learn things throughout the journey that are going to teach me things along the way. I mean, look, none of us are perfect, right? I'm certainly not perfect. And no mother is perfect. We all make mistakes. Right? Our parents made mistakes, their parents made mistakes and they're a product of their parents' mistakes.
And we're a product of our parents' mistakes. Right. But at the end of the day, we're all just trying to figure out. Right because nobody has all the answers. And we have to know that whether what they did was right or wrong, acceptable, not acceptable, right. The healing is in, they did the best they could, and maybe it was horrible and maybe it was crappy and maybe it felt terrible.[00:21:00]
Maybe they didn't have an example for themselves. Maybe they didn't know any better and that doesn't excuse it, but they can't teach you what they don't know. Right. They can't love you in a way they were never loved. And when you look at some childhood wounds from that perspective, It kind of starts to make sense a little bit and you're like, oh, okay, well, I get that right.
It may have not been right. It may have hurt and may have, you know, been really hard to, to go through. But once you can look at it with empathy and know that they did the best they could, and you're doing the best you could. And then you in the process are going to learn and grow and stretch and heal.[00:22:00]
And it's all in a decision. It's all in a decision to be aware of those moments where, you know, something needs attention. Right. You know, something's really bothering you, you know, that. You know, this, this moment is telling you something that intuitively as a mom, you need to pay attention to. And it's just trusting that, trusting that and wanting to be a better version of yourself.
Right? I mean, look, I could sit here and be telling myself the same story of how, you know, Oh, it was bullied and, you know, cry and trust me, I cried about it. I cried probably my entire teenage life. It was like the worst and hardest, and it took me so long, so long to finally gain the confidence and, and change the narrative that I was telling myself for so long and, and really wanted [00:23:00] more for myself and expect more from others.
And establish a boundary and a level of respect that I felt that it was, I was worthy of. Right. But it took, it took a long time and a lot of work and a lot of healing. And, and even then when I thought I had it all, you know, together, I had kids and then it all came flooding back. So we're always a work in progress.
Right. We're always striving to be better. And it's really. Just a simple matter of paying attention along the way. And maybe looking at something a little bit different and paying a little bit more attention and maybe trying something a little bit differently, or maybe looking at a situation with a different lens, or maybe it's having the hard conversation that needs to be had.
Right. Which I know could be hard, but those tiny steps, those little steps towards [00:24:00] a better you ultimately will heals those wounds. And it's what makes us whole in our journey of motherhood so that we can then pass on that wholeness to our, our children. Right. And there'll be bumps along the way and they'll struggle and they'll have hurts and they'll have wounds and we'll be there to encourage them and help them through all those emotions and all those things. Right. And look, I'm not, I'm not a therapist, I'm not an expert. I just know what I've experienced, what I've been through, what all my, me and my, my friends and my, you know, mothers and we all go through the same things. There's nothing embarrassing about it.
There's nothing to be ashamed about. There's nothing to feel guilty about. There's nothing to feel that you are doing wrong or don't have [00:25:00] what it takes to be an incredible, amazing mother. And it is through these journeys and through these lessons and through these little quiet moments with yourself that you start to heal these childhood wounds and really step in to the fullness of you, your authentic self, your authentic self, that really is just proud to be who you are and unapologetic about it. And a lot of it has to do with not only addressing those wounds and being aware of them, but really starting to be able to let them go and look at it from a different perspective and an empathetic perspective and know that hurt people hurt people.
And, and that's just the truth, right? And once [00:26:00] you can start to look at those hurtful moments in a different lens, you can really start to forgive and forgive doesn't mean excusing it. And it doesn't mean that the behavior is allowable, but it's almost like allowing yourself to forgive so that you can no longer bear the burden of the hurt and really, truly be free from all that weight in that heaviness. Right. So that you can be lighter and just be authentically unapologetically you, you know, and that is, what's the biggest freedom and freeing thing of it all because when you let go of that weight, when you let go of that hurt, when you let go of that anger and that resentment and that bitterness, and when you can let go of that story and really say, you know what? That has no strong hold on me anymore. [00:27:00] Was there to teach me a lesson that was there to give me my resilience that was there to teach me what I needed to understand to then teach to them and the next person.
Right. So I almost want to say, be grateful for it because it makes you who you are. It gives you your resilience and your persistence, and just being aware of and tackling it and addressing it is pretty amazing because there's so many people, there's so many people that just sing the same song and do the same dance and, you know, people that just like to complain, but then, you know, never want to stop complaining.
You know, there's like, oh, woe is me and the world is ending and look what happened again. Look, another thing falling apart. But it's one you can take control of that [00:28:00] and really say, okay, this is an area that I am unhappy with and now I'm going to take steps to change it. That is powerful.
That is powerful. And that is priceless because those wounds that continue to chip at you every day, whether you realize it or not, once you can break free of those, then that's the ultimate freedom. As always. I promise to be here and serve you and cheer you on every step of the way and spill all the secrets of motherhood and life I wish someone told me. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You podcast.
*Until next time. Keep *[00:29:00] *on celebrating. Because you, my friend, you are so worth it. *
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