[00:00:00] Hey, my name is Patricia Ciavarello and I am obsessed with all things motherhood and helping you keep calm in the chaos of motherhood and life's unexpected moments. I am a mom of twins with a doctorate in business whose world fell apart and had to pick myself up piece by piece. I am not an expert, but I have totally been there and I am so far from perfect, but definitely not afraid to get real and vulnerable.
I teach you the secrets to motherhood and life I wish someone told me, because as much as we wish there was, nobody hands you a mommy manual. So pull up a seat, get comfy and get ready for me to spill my secrets. This is Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You.
I am so grateful that you were tuned into [00:01:00] this episode of Real Mom Truths. Nobody Tells You now, if you're anything like me, you may have struggled a little bit with letting go of control, especially once you have kids. I mean, I know that myself as a mom, prior to kids I was always comfortable when I was most in control of my life.
And, you know, whether that be personal or professional or, relationship-based, I was always the type of person that really preferred to be proactive and take control. So. I was a dot every I, cross every T kind of person. And when I had the twins that all went out the window, to be honest with you, and [00:02:00] if I'm being really honest, I think that loss of control was the hardest thing to adjust to because one day, you know, even when you're pregnant, you know, you kind of, sort of still have a little bit of control, even though, you know, there's no way to really know the future, but once they're born and, and you know, that whole journey begins. I feel like the need for control kind of changes a little bit, and it really becomes something much stronger than maybe what it was before.
So like, I'll give you like the perfect example. I remember, when it was really early on and they were really young and we [00:03:00] have them like both in the same nursery, so typically at least at that time, my husband, he worked nights so a lot of times I'd be home alone at night and, you know, wake up for feedings every three hours.
And, I remember it getting close to night time and I would literally start sweating because I was so nervous of being alone and, going through the whole, like feeding, burping, changing all by myself. And there were two of them and one of me, and I literally, I felt like my body go into almost like a panic once it starts to get dark out.
And that's just the honest truth. Right. I was nervous. I was like, oh my goodness. And the truth of the matter is, and I think what causes many of us to be most nervous is when we lose [00:04:00] that sense of control. Right? We lose that sense of, you know, before kids, we went to sleep, woke up, you know, time was on our side.
Whereas now we're at the internal clock of them. And not that that's a bad thing, but I feel like as parents there's, you know, you go from one extreme to the other? There's no like learning curve. There's no like easing into it. It's just like plop, there you go. You know, good luck. And I remember really struggling because all I wanted was that sense of control.
All I wanted was to feel prepared. Right. All I wanted was to not be afraid and to know that, you know, everything was going to be okay. And they would be okay. And yeah. There were so many things that triggered those fears, them getting sick. I remember when one of my twins would get sick [00:05:00] and I was always like bracing myself for the, for, you know, his sister or her brother to get sick.
And it was just like that worry and loss of control was just exhausting, you know, like if it felt like almost like you couldn't stop worrying. It was an adjustment, like it was a big adjustment and, you know, I find myself almost like, I felt like a crazy person, one, like constantly picking up toys all over the house and, you know, needing that almost sense of order or control.
And then, you know, some days you just like, oh, you give up. And you're like, you know what? They're just going to be on the floor in 30 seconds anyway. And, and I think it gets to a point as a mom where, you know, that sense of control gives us comfort in knowing that we would be prepared for what's next.
But the truth of [00:06:00] it is. It's almost in the letting go of that control that gives us the most relief and the most freedom. So the morning I tried to control everything. The picking up after their toys or, you know, make sure they eat the right things or, you know, put them to bed at this time, at this time, at this time, the more they kind of fooled me and they're like, you think this is going to happen. Let us show you what's really going to happen. We're going to do the exact opposite. I mean, there were moments where I cried on the floor and there are moments when I just burst out laughing because there is no controlling it really, the more you try to control it, the more they really teach you how out of control motherhood is.
And it's in embracing that chaos. And, it's still an adjustment for me to an extent. I mean, a [00:07:00] lot of things I've certainly let go of. But a lot of things are hard for me to adjust to, especially, I mean, if you're, if you're listening to this now, I mean, we're in the midst of COVID and the pandemic and, oh my gosh.
I mean, talk about fear and control. I think COVID has sent every mom, every family, every parent, into a heightened sense of control because it was almost something we've never experienced before. We've never heard of, and all of a sudden, like our lives were our risk. Our world was changed and all these different things we had to adjust to and, you know, germs and the, just the divided nature of people.
And, you know, it was this added, you know, to have children pre COVID [00:08:00] was challenging enough. And then to add COVID to all those like huge decisions that every parent has to make is, is so scary. And at the end of the day, every parent just wants to do what's in the best interest of their kid, of their child.
And, you know, not everybody is gonna agree with your decision or their decision or someone else's decision, but at the end of the day, it's really that need for control that we all crave, right. That need to know that they will be okay. That need to feel that your life is not in chaos. The need of comfort to know that.
Everything will be okay. And from what I've learned, at least, sometimes yeah, you can do everything you can to help control [00:09:00] the situation. And that doesn't mean don't be proactive and don't do things that you feel would help and, and, and don't tend to whatever it is that is worrying you. But sometimes, sometimes you just have to throw your hands up.
And have faith that all will be okay. And it was in some of the hardest moments that I had to do that. And, you know, it's something that I have to continue to remind myself to this day that, you know, sometimes you just have to have faith and you can't control everything. And the more you feel the need to, the more sometimes out of control your life can feel.
So it's really. Release of control where the freedom lies. Right. I remember, I remember at one point, I was always kind of a neat person, [00:10:00] right? Like I always like, you know, my things put away and everything has a place. And, whoever invented the label maker was like my best friend, even though I don't own one, but I secretly want to.
And when things are in order, when things are put away when things have its place, it literally makes me feel calm, right? Like literally if the kitchen's in disarray, I feel disarray. If the toys are in disarray, I feel disarray. And our living spaces is pretty tiny. So their play area is kind of wherewe spend all the time.
So there was no escaping it, it was like, the walls were closing in on me slowly but surely. Right. And I found myself going into these like fits of organization where I literally felt like I was like, decluttering my life almost. Right. Like, okay, here are my twins and they're chaotic and they're, you know, in the best way, right. And in the worst way, right. They're just, you know, every day is [00:11:00] different and you know what? I can't control them, but I'm going to control my cabinet right now. I'm going to organize my kitchen. And I remember just throwing clothes out into my bedroom floor and like sorting through them. And, and you know, a lot of it also came into this kind of new found body image that I had to really like look in the mirror and say to myself, because truth be told when I came home from the hospital and I saw I had a C-section with my twins. So when I actually saw myself for the first time in the mirror, I was truth be told, I was shocked. I was like, oh my God. Okay. Maybe we'll give it some time, you know, and that's really what I was like, oh, Hey, I'm probably just swollen from surgery. Right. It'll go down now. It didn't go down. It didn't go down. And it was dimpled and it [00:12:00] was creased and it was wrinkly and it was sagging. And, and I was almost in shock and I really had to take a moment and sit in those emotions because I really had struggled in my past with confidence and like really feeling beautiful. And I finally felt like I was coming into my own and really feeling confident. And it's almost like I had to re train myself post pregnancy to feel that again, because when I first saw myself, it was a really big shock, but then I thought to myself, and I remember watching this on a Mel Robin show, which I love you, Mel, shout out to you. She was, and I think her show was great and so sad that it's not here anymore, but she was talking to this mom and the mom was really sad about her body post children. [00:13:00] And she would look in the mirror and she would constantly beat herself up and squeeze, you know, squeeze the fat here and squeeze the fat there and beat herself up and be down on herself and emotionally eat at the end of the day from the stress of the day or, or pour the glass of wine, which I mean, that's a whole nother conversation, right?
We all deal with stress differently, whether it's emotional, eating, whether it's, you know, having the glass of wine to wind down from the day, whether it's, you know, compulsively organizing, I mean, everybody has their coping mechanism and you know, it's really easy to not catch yourself in those moments and say, Hey, can I deal with this differently?
Can I do things differently? You know, is this [00:14:00] habit helpful or is it harmful to me? Because before, you know, it, it becomes almost like your go-to for decompressing from the day and you don't even realize it. Right and that awareness is really what's brings you kind of back to center and re shifts and refocuses your thoughts as to what's really going on.
Like, why am I doing this, why am I compulsively organizing? Why am I grabbing that? You know, one glass, two last, three glasses of wine at the end of the day, why am I, you know, losing my temper at my kids? What is it that's really going on underneath the surface? And sometimes it's just, you know, that fear, that loss of control, that overwhelm, that, that pure exhaustion, that just kind of tips you over the edge and when you can really [00:15:00] let go of that need for control and let go of the need for everything to be perfect and really just embrace the day for what it is. Good, bad, ugly, you know, and just say, you know what, tomorrow's another day tomorrow will be better and embrace yourself for who you are. And. All your positives and your flaws and everything, because we're all flawed.
We all have mistakes. We all are imperfect. Right. So when I remember clear as day, I had a robe on and I was looking in the mirror and I slowly open the robe and I, all I saw was like scars and, and dimples, and like none of my clothes fit and I still look pregnant and I was really going down that spiral of like really beating myself up.
And when I watched the Mel Robbins show one day, I remember her saying to that woman, she said, would you not [00:16:00] want your children in your life? And of course she was like, no, absolutely not. Of course not. I love my children. So then she said to her, she said, well, why would you beat up the body, the vessel that carried them and gave them to you.
They, you know, that belly that you continuously beat up, talk negatively about, and that belly is what made your kids possible, right? That belly is the vehicle for your children. So if it wasn't for that belly, you wouldn't have them right to, to hold them. Unless of course you, adopted or had a surrogate situation and that one sentence really shifted the whole perspective for me. And I stopped trying to fit into what was, and [00:17:00] I really embraced what is, and like, I remember one day trying to squeeze into like my pair of jeans that I used to wear, like before I was even pregnant. And finally, I was like, why are you even doing this? Like, just go get another pair of jeans.
Like, why are you torturing yourself? Trying to be what was when that is not who you are anymore. You're a whole different person, your whole different being, your mom now. And you have, you have a family, a beautiful family, like, and it's almost like you maybe a little bit have to mourn what was to become, who is.
Maybe you have to to mourn letting go of how life used to be. To really embrace how life is now. And I remember, I remember one time I was in the bathroom. My kids are banging on the door. Mommy, mommy, mommy, and I'm [00:18:00] thinking to myself, I just want like five seconds of peace, just five seconds. And I remember thinking to myself like, wow, before kids, I could sit in the bathroom all day.
If I wanted, I could sit in the tub, take like a two hour bath. Not that I did, but I could, if I wanted to , I could take a two hour bath. I'm going to read a whole book in bed. I can binge watch Netflix as long as my heart desired. And here I am, I can't even get five seconds. And I remember at one point I was like, okay, almost getting angry about it..
I was like, I just want five seconds. Like I just want to eat breakfast. I just wanted this. I just wanted that. But then I said to myself, I caught myself and I said, yeah, those moments might be frustrating. And those moments might be stressful. And nobody would deny that. I mean, motherhood is hard, right.
And demands so much of us in our time. All of a sudden doesn't become our own anymore. But how would I feel if they weren't knocking on that [00:19:00] door? You know, I wouldn't give that up for anything in the world, so yeah, maybe them knocking and interrupting mommy in the bathroom is, you know, sometimes, you know, you find yourself caught in those moments, but then if they weren't, life would be so different.
Right. And. If I didn't have that belly life would be so different. And you know, if I didn't have that giggle or that laughter life would be so different. So yeah. Moments are tough and moments are hard. And, you know, we feel the need to control it, whether that be our weight, our home, our children's tantrums areorour cabinets, whatever that means to you.
Our emotions, but at the end of the day, it's releasing that control and [00:20:00] embracing what is that really kind of gives you the perspective and sets you free because the more you try to control it, the more out of control it actually feels. And you know, there's going to be so much that you can't control.
In the future. I mean, look at COVID. I mean, who even expected COVID and all of a sudden, you know, motherhood went from hard to like, whoa, now you want me to, now you want me to also manage a pandemic? And now my job is home and how do I concentrate on my job and how do I concentrate on my kids and how do I manage homeschool and a virtual school and all of that.
And, and it became like this volcano of things to deal with that we never even anticipated. Right. And that's just life. That's the nature [00:21:00] of life. Like life is going to bring unexpected moments and life is going to bring challenges and hardships and things that catch us off guard and things that throws for a loop and things that we don't want to experience.
And I hope that you don't. I wish I could say that you never have to go through hardships or that life won't break your heart or that horrible things won't happen. I wish I could say that, but the truth is life will challenge you. Life will bring you moments where you just want to break, life will bring you tough decisions.
Life will bring you fears and you'll want to control it and you'll want to know what's going to be, know what the future holds and wish you had a crystal ball. [00:22:00] But the truth is that's really hard to deal with on a daily basis. And that's really a lot of pressure to put on yourself and. To keep holding onto that control and that need for that control and the fear of what's to come.
Right. The fear of what could be takes you away from living in what is, and living in this exact moment right now. So yeah, you know, if organizing your cabinets makes you feel better, go for it. If buying that pair of jeans that you're comfortable in makes you feel better go for it, but don't consume yourself in the fear and don't consume yourself in the control because it's really [00:23:00] stemming from that need to control your life in ways that you won't always be able to.
The sooner you can release it and let go of it and just say, you know what? I don't like this situation, or I'm really scared and I don't know what to do, and I'm really nervous, but I'm going to have faith in this moment. I'm going to have faith in this moment that whatever is meant for me is already mine.
And I'm not going to worry about it. And that exhale, that just inner peace of, yeah. You know what? My life might be chaotic right now. My house may be turned upside down. My, you know, child may be sick. My finances might be in a disarray, my [00:24:00] husband and I, or partner, and I or relative and I might be fighting like crazy, but you know what I know that whatever is meant to be will be, and I can have peace in that instead of trying to know all the answers, because the sooner you can let go of that, right.
The sooner you can really say, okay, I don't have to be in control anymore. And you just have faith in, in that knowing, this sense of calmness will just come over you in a way that you've never felt before, and you'll be able to embrace those hard moments and to get through the hard time. And not that they won't be challenging. Not that it won't be [00:25:00] difficult, but you will know that it is all for a greater purpose, even if you can't see it right now, it is all meant to stretch you and grow you and teach you something you never knew before.
So if you're going through a hard time right now, and if you feel the need to control it, the need to know the future and the need to get that crystal ball out and see what will be, just know, take a deep breath and have faith that whatever it is you're going through right now, whatever it may be, know that it is there in your life for a reason, and for a season, and for a lesson, and you will absolutely overcome it.
As always. [00:26:00] I promise to be here and serve you and cheer you on every step of the way and spill all the secrets of motherhood and life I wish someone told me. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You podcast.
*Until next time. Keep on celebrating. Because you, my friend, you are so worth it.
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