[00:00:00] Hey, my name is Patricia Ciavarello and I am obsessed with all things motherhood and helping you keep calm in the chaos of motherhood and life's unexpected moments. I am a mom of twins with a doctorate in business whose world fell apart and had to pick myself up piece by piece. I am not an expert, but I have totally been there and I am so far from perfect, but definitely not afraid to get real and vulnerable.
I teach you the secrets to motherhood and life I wish someone told me because as much as we wish there was, nobody hands you on mommy manual. So pull up a seat, get comfy and get ready for me to spill my secrets. This is Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You..
I am so grateful that you are tuned into this episode of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You.
I want to touch on a topic [00:01:00] that I think is so important when it comes to not just motherhood, but womanhood. And that is self-worth. And I can tell you from personal experience, that it has been a journey for me and just witnessing that growth and that strength come from someone who really had no self worth as a child is incredible because it goes to show you the resilience and the strength that we all have, even when we think we don't. So let me tell you a little bit about me, if this is your first time listening and welcome. I [00:02:00] was, as a child, I went through a lot of bullying and, that really, I don't want to say damaged me, but. It took incredible amount of inner work to really heal from that.
And I remember my, I talked about this in one of my previous podcasts. It's titled, vulnerability alert, if you want to listen in it's it's a really one of my most vulnerable episodes. And I talk about how when I was younger in school, I was bullied a lot for my hair. So my self image became like a really big deal, especially when you know, going into high school.
And I always felt like I wasn't good enough. I felt like I had to, [00:03:00] impress or earn people's friendships as opposed to feeling good enough. And that, you know, their friendship was a two way street, you know, it wasn't that I had to earn their friendship. They had to earn my friendship. Right. And that took a long time to really resonate and, and not just say it, but have it actually feel true. And I remember in elementary school. I mean, oh my gosh. The bullying, it was awful.
I would get such anxiety driving to school and I didn't even know at the time it was anxiety. I just felt nauseous. And I think back then, I mean, anxiety, I never even heard the word anxiety. I didn't know what it meant. And I would get so nauseous driving to school that I would feel so sick and sometimes I would actually get sick and it was [00:04:00] all from the anticipation of what bullying was going to come that day.
And it was words, it wasn't physical, but I can tell you the words hurt and the words cut really deep. And I remember in elementary school almost like it was, as if I needed to fight, it felt like I needed to fight for those friendships, because if I didn't have these friendships, then I was worthless and truth be told those friendships were not great.
I mean, they were, it was almost like I needed those friendships to feel worthy, but at the end of the day, those friendships were not providing the love and reciprocity that [00:05:00] a friendship that I should have valued would give. Right. Everything's give and take. So then I remember, graduating from elementary school going into high school, and I had a new group of friends and, this group of friends, actually, I really loved, and we had a great time and a lot of fun together.
And, unfortunately close to graduation, it kind of ended in this, you know, weird circumstance surrounding prom. And my point is the friendships that I valued and loved and cherished so much during high school suddenly disappeared. And I, I found myself almost like more of that sense of loss and that sense of friendship.
And it almost brought me back to elementary school and the bullying and that loss of friendship. And it was almost [00:06:00] like, it felt like I was always fighting to prove that I was worthy. Not just a friendship, but a real friendship, a true friendship, a selfless friendship, a sisterhood, one that uplifts and encourages and supports and loves me for me and not what I bring to the table.
Not what I give, not what they can get, but a real sisterhood. And I want to say it wasn't until, Hmm. Trying to think back. It wasn't until really in my adulthood that I started to even recognize that, that I started to even recognize like, Hey, this person's no good. Why am I friends with them? And really start to[00:07:00] allow myself the freedom of choosing who am I bringing into my circle and why? So it almost became like, instead of this desperation, like, be my friend, be my friend, you know, to are you worthy of being in this circle that I value and have such a high esteem for?
Like, are you a true sister who will uplift and encourage and be vulnerable and selfless? Earn the place at the table. And that was a huge shift for me. And it really changed everything that I valued and looked for in a person, whether that be an acquaintance, whether that be a [00:08:00] friend, whether that be family, it really changed how I evaluated someone who came into my circle. And I don't want to say that in like a judgy way because that's so not me. I have always said, I always joke and I say, I have like microscopic goggles because I see it a mile away and even when someone say, treats me badly or is selfish or whatnot. Yes. I can have the boundary and say, look, this is not something I want in my life or I tolerate, but I can have empathy for you.
Not that it's okay. Not that you're allowed to treat me badly, but I can have empathy for you and recognize that, you know what, maybe you're going through something and you are so and wrapped [00:09:00] in that, that you are not even aware of how you may be coming across to other people, or maybe you are just a bad person.
I mean, there certainly are some of those in the world, right. What I can say to you without hesitation is every interaction, whether that be anger, frustration, volatility, whatever a person brings to you, it is not a reflection of you, and it is completely a reflection of them and what they are internally going through and feeling and, you know, whatever life has kind of compiled on them. So yeah, I can have empathy and can look at them with loving eyes, even though they've treated me badly and say you know what? You must be going through something to treat me or this person or that person that way. But you know what? I have a boundary here and your [00:10:00] stuff is not going to infiltrate into ruining who I feel as a person and who I choose to let into my circle . It's, it's a two-way street, right. You have to give and you have to take, and you have to be, just a much as a support for others as you want for yourself.
Right. Some people are just not capable of giving that and that's okay. That's okay. But really what I want you to think about is what do you tell yourself when you're looking in the mirror? You know, what self self-worth are you saying to yourself when you're looking at yourself? Are you saying, oh, you're a failure.
Your relationship is horrible. Look at all the weight you've gained since having a baby, are you telling yourself those thoughts or are you saying, you are beautiful exactly as you are. And I have to say, you know, even in relationships, you have to have the courage [00:11:00] to be vulnerable and really communicate, you know, what you need, whether that be relationships with friends, with family, you know, your partner.
You don't need to ask for permission, right for things that you'll allow others to do, you know, like, my husband and I, we always joke, you know, we, we kind of trade off like, okay, you sleep a few extra hours in, and then, you know, let's, let's switch off and maybe I'll sleep a few extra hours in and you wake up early.
Like we have that ongoing communication. But if I never asked for it, if I didn't say, you know, listen, I'm sleeping in this Saturday and you're sleeping in next Saturday. Do you think that in all honesty, he, you know would offer? I. It would be very rare. I'm not saying it doesn't exist. Maybe it does, but I [00:12:00] think it would be very rare for him to say, you know what, let's interchange weekends and you sleep in some Saturdays and I'll sleep in some Saturdays.
No, he would've just probably kept sleeping in every Saturday and been like, good job, honey you know, holding down the Fort, but you know what, sometimes it's on us to communicate what we need and it's not selfish because if you're allowing others to have that time for rest or reprieve or whatever it is, then, you know, what, why don't you allow yourself that too?
And you know, whether your partner listens and empathizes and communicates and listens to those needs, that's a whole different conversation, but at the end of the day, it's on us, right to communicate what you actually [00:13:00] need and you know, not asking permission for what you allow others to do. I mean, you know, it's all about, shared responsibility, you know, like there's only so much, you know, we as women, we bear the burden, right.
We, you know, oftentimes are the planners and the preparers and the doers, and, you know, the list goes on and on the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, the meetings for school, the child's care, the work, the emails, and it just goes on and on and on whether you're a stay at home mom or you're a working mom, that list is overwhelming.
Right. And there's you know, guilt associated with something, whether it's, oh, I'm at work all day. I miss my kids or, oh, I'm at home all [00:14:00] day and what about, you know, like my dreams and my hopes and my purpose and right. There's always that mom guilt, you know, you're like, if you're home, you feel it. If you're gone, you feel it it's like, it never escapes you.
Right. But giving yourself the grace that you give others. Giving yourself the voice, right to really value your self worth and ask for what you need and give yourself the worthiness of accepting it. Right? So if somebody says to you, Hey, you know, I'm going to come I'll, watch the kids for an hour. Why don't you go out and do something for yourself, take it, do it, because that is your fuel, to come back and take a breath and, and do it again and keep going. And, you know, [00:15:00] I will say this, you know, a lot of times the women they'll say, oh, my partner, they'll never do that. They'll never help me. They'll never go food shopping or prepare dinner or watch the kids or whatever. I challenged that because one, have you asked for it, maybe you have, but if they truly, truly are not listening and not being there for you and valuing you as a human, as a mother, as a person who is really struggling in that moment, then it's time for deeper conversations.
And I will say this, some of the biggest breakthroughs that I have had with my husband have happened in the most vulnerable of moments. It's when you're at the [00:16:00] table and tears are going down your face and you just feel so overwhelmed and so exhausted and so tired and it's in that rawness that sometimes it just kind of.magic.I'll give you the perfect example. If you go to your partner and you say, Hey, I'm tired and I'm sleeping in next Saturday. Now I don't care what you think and too bad. And you know, this is what it is, right. You're probably going to get an angry type of reaction. Right. But if you go to your partner and say, you know what, I'm having a hard time. I am really struggling and I need help. And I know, you know, we both have our plates full and, you know, whatever the case may be, fill in the blank for your family. Right. And I [00:17:00] appreciate all you do. And I know you appreciate all I do, but it would really mean a lot if we could, you know, make a plan or, you know, maybe you can take time for you on this day and I can take time for me on this day and let's figure it out, figure out a way so that we can both have some moments to breathe and to do something for ourselves, whatever that may be. Right. Sometimes it's in the approach and it's in the conversations and it's in really rawness of it all, that you'd be really surprised as to the outcomes.
I mean, I know that, since having kids, my husband has really stepped up to the plate and,, been a very hands-on father than I [00:18:00] am very proud of. But that's not to say that we both don't have our, our weaknesses. Like he may be really good at one thing that I struggle with. And I may be really good at something else that he struggles with.
Like, I both times went to the hospital with my kids and he says to me till this day. I would have been a basket case if I had to experience and witness everything that you witnessed. I understand and empathize with that because who first, who wants to see their kid in a hospital, nobody, but I can recognize that, you know what, maybe in those critical moments, he would really struggle, but you know what?
There are other areas where he's super helpful and really helps me. And it's our job as partners to be there for each other in areas that maybe we're strong in that the other person isn't. And you know, [00:19:00] that I will say that having children has really opened up that conversation of rawness. Like, are you having a hard time? I am here, let me help you. And if I can't help you let's figure out what does, because it has been. I mean, motherhood is just it's life-changing right. Parenthood is life-changing all of a sudden your life is not your own. And it's all about your kids. And rightfully so. I mean, those are your children, right?
But it has a tendency to bring out this emotion and vulnerability and rawness that, you know, it is our job as their parents to not only be there for them, but be there for each other and loving ourselves enough. Right. Having a high self-worth for [00:20:00] ourselves and knowing what we need, what we need to communicate, what we need to ask for and loving ourselves exactly as not as the perfect mom, not as the perfect parent, not as, you know, all the, the Photoshop images you see on social media or on the magazines, just as is and giving yourself the grace to get through maybe the negative self-talk and say, you know what, maybe I was telling myself those things before, but that ends today because I love myself for what I've been through for all the experiences that life has brought me, for everything that I am in this moment.
And I'm getting better every day. And even on my worst days, I am worthy of that love and grace. [00:21:00] Giving yourself that love, giving yourself that grace, giving yourself, you know, allowing yourself to cry, allowing yourself to be frustrated, allowing yourself to have those hard days and pick yourself up. And the next and do it different, right. And not beat yourself up over the time that you yelled or the time that you've lost your cool or the time, you know, you fed the kids cookies all day or the time that, you know, they watched Cocomelon for 12 hours or whatever that looks like. It's giving yourself the grace to say, I love myself, not because of what I do, but because of who I am and tomorrow will be another day and that, you know, that positive, self-talk that asking for what you need and not asking permission, but communicating actually what you need and giving yourself that grace day in, [00:22:00] day out through the good, through the bad. That self-talk is what is going to take you from a place of unworthiness to a place of love.
As always, I promise to be here for you and serve you and cheer you on every step of the way and spill all the secrets of motherhood and life I wish someone told me. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You podcast. Until next time, keep on celebrating you because you, my friend, you are so worth it. I am literally doing my happy dance with you because you just finished another episode of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You.. I felt like that episode flew by way too fast. Right? If you want more head over to www.realmomtruths.com for show notes, and if you're looking for a new mom group to uplift and encourage you and [00:23:00] for helpful tips, be sure to join me and my community on Facebook.
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