[00:00:00] Hey, my name is Patricia Ciavarello and I am obsessed with all things motherhood and helping you keep calm in the chaos of motherhood and life's unexpected moments. I am a mom of twins with a doctorate in business whose world fell apart and had to pick myself up piece by piece. I am not an expert, but I have totally been there, and I am so far from perfect, but definitely not afraid to get real and vulnerable.
I teach you the secrets to motherhood and life I wish someone told me, because as much as we wish there was, nobody hands you a mommy manual. So pull up a seat, get comfy and get ready for me to spill my secrets. This is Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You.
I am so grateful that you are tuned into this episdoe of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You.
I know that day in day [00:01:00] out, we are more often than not typically on this hamster wheel of productivity. I mean, going from one thing to the next. If I had a nickel for every time somebody said, I'm so busy, we'd all be rich.
Right. And look, that was a product of our lives. I mean, if you think about what life looked like, generally speaking, before the pandemic hit, we were all for the most part I think so much on autopilot that we didn't even realize it. And just the day in, day out grind and that just hamster wheel of life was something we [00:02:00] didn't even question until we were really forced to question it with everything that happened.
And in some ways it has been a stop sign to a lot of people and almost like a wake up call, like, whoa, life is so precious and we only get one chance to do it. And you know, maybe this is our wake up call to slow down and reevaluate. And I think that so much of it is ingrained in, you know, how we were brought up and things that we were told as children. And I think a lot of times we make the mistake of mixing up our productivity and having that define our worth when really our worth has nothing to do with that. Right. And whether [00:03:00] you're talking about, you know, productivity in your career or your finances or whatever that looks like for you. I mean, especially around the holidays, I remember speaking to one mom and she was really, really upset about, um not being able to get her children as many gifts this holiday season, as she normally would. And I get it, you know, as moms, we want to provide, everything and we want to make our children's every wish come true.
And, you know, if we could package the world and give it to them, we would. But at the end of the day, there's something to take away from that. And that is your worth as a mom has nothing to do with how many presents are under the [00:04:00] Christmas tree or however many presents you get for them on their birthday or whatever holiday you're celebrating.
Yes, it's nice. I get it. But at the end of the day, fast forward, 10 years later, do you really think you're going to remember what you bought them in 2021 for Christmas? Or are they going to remember the memories of you baking cookies with them in the kitchen or watching a movie with some popcorn in your Christmas pajamas or dancing around the living room to some holiday music?
Those are the moments. Those are the moments that they will never forget. And I feel like so many times, you know, because we as women typically carry a lot of responsibility, most of the responsibility usually, and we overwhelm ourselves with [00:05:00] so many things and we almost sometimes can wear busy as a badge of honor.
Right? Like I'm so busy. I'm so, so busy. And I was that person. I was always busy. Right. I'm so busy. So, so busy and. I mean, look, there's always something to do, right? There's always something we could make ourselves busy with, but sometimes just as important as being busy is recognizing when it's time to slow down, when it's time to take a minute for you.
And, you know, sometimes less.. And less could mean, you know, less in your schedule, less could be me mean being more mindful of who you spend time with and whether that time is really well spent with those that deserve it. And you [00:06:00] know, less could mean, you know, you stop stressing yourself out over that three course meal and do something simple, you know, like whatever less is more means to you, the fact that you didn't do do do, or you didn't, you know, solve everyone's crisis or, weren't available doesn't have anything to do with your self worth because at the end of the day, you have to give yourself permission to do nothing and feel comfortable in that. And I know that could be really hard, right? Sometimes if you think of yourself, just like sitting, just picture yourself for a second, close your eyes and picture yourself sitting on the couch, doing nothing.
Wait for it. Are you thinking about it?.[00:07:00]
Is your knee bopping up and down yet? Are you fidgeting with your fingers? Right? It sometimes could be so much harder to just sit still and be in that moment. But if we continue to always chase the next best goal or the next best thing we'll never really be able to sit in our feelings and our emotions.
Right. Because the goal or the thing is just a distraction, you know? So you might be saying, oh, well, you know, when I go back to school, right. Then I'll be productive and really, you know, be able to do something. Or when I buy that house right, then I'll [00:08:00] feel really, you know, like I've arrived or, whatever that goal may be when I have X amount in the bank, then I'll know that I really made it right.
When ultimately those goals although goals are great and I'm not saying don't have goals. You absolutely should have goals and reach higher and grow as a person. Right. But the achievement, the actual achievement of that thing, whether it's career based, whether it's financially based, whether it's something materialistic you're looking to get, those things are ultimately not what's going to make you happy because it's just a chase. And then once you get it, you'll go to the next best goal. And the next best [00:09:00] thing. Okay. I have a house now, now I need a vacation home, right. Or I have a hundred thousand in the bank. Maybe I can make 200,000 and it's really being able to sit in the nothing, right?
When you don't have those things and truly be content and fulfilled and happy from the inside is when you can then have all those things and still be truly happy. Right? So it's sitting in the lack that can make you appreciate and enjoy the abundance. But if you're searching for that happiness in the abundance, you'll never find it because it should already be within you, regardless of those external things.
So learning how to find [00:10:00] that inner peace, that inner happiness with what is right now, not when you get it, not when you reach a certain phase, not when you're able to achieve certain things just as is. That's really the ultimate goal. Feeling fulfilled and happy. It's not when everything's going right. It's not when the world is perfect because it will never be, it's not when you know, you've dotted every I and crossed every T. It's in the mess. It's in the journey. It's in those moments. Right. I remember when I was in elementary school I would literally come home from school and sit at my desk.
I had this beautiful, beautiful long wooden desk, which I was kind of [00:11:00] obsessed with, to be honest. And I would sit there as soon as I come home, I throw my bag on the floor and I would sit at my desk and I would plow through my homework. Plow through like get every bit of it done in my uniform. Right. And when I was done with my homework, then I would change, maybe have a snack or watch a little TV or play or whatever.
But thinking back now to those moments, I, and I always, I always said to myself, like, why, why did I do that? Like, why was I in such a rush to get my homework done? You know, even as an adult, I see it sometimes, filter through and like, say, if I'm faced with, you know, a big task, it's almost like I'm antsy [00:12:00] until I can get it completed.
And I always thought to myself, like, why is that? Why do you feel so uncomfortable? I realize because as even at a young age, in school, I couldn't get that sense of comfort and calm till I knew my homework was done. It was almost like I was anxious about it until I finished it. And then once I finished, I was like, okay, now I can enjoy my night.
It's the same thing as adults. If we sit in anxiety and fear and worry until we've achieved something, then we're never really able to truly appreciate and enjoy the present moment. So if you're always looking to the next thing to fulfill that, you're looking in the wrong place, because really you should be looking right where [00:13:00] you are.
And it's not easy. I know it's not easy because, you know, worry and anxiety, it's real and it's present. And, you know, especially with this pandemic, it's added a whole lot of pressure and worry and anxiety that we never even knew would exist. And there came a point in my life and it was at the hardest of moments where I would literally sit up at night, staring at the ceiling worried night after night, over my family, my finances, my future, my health, their health to the point that it just became so exhausting.
And I had to really [00:14:00] take a step back and say, you know what, look at everything that we've overcome. Look at everything that we've accomplished. I never thought that we would accomplish some of the things we did, and we did, and we made it through and we survived and we thrived. So you know what, we're going to make it through.
And yeah, it's hard and yeah, it could be so easy to go back into the cycle of worry and the anxiety and the fear, but you know what? This feels better, that comfort, that peace, that faith, whatever you believe in and hold true in your heart, that feels better than the worry, because no matter how much you worry or how much you fear or how much you are anxious, the worry is not going to change anything. [00:15:00] All it will do is ruin your present. And if you think about it, so many things I've worried about in my life over the years, never even came to pass. Like I was worrying for nothing. I was just worrying and you know, hypothesizing on what was going to happen. And none of it happened and then things that I never expected to happen, happened.
So what good was the worry? It was just an exhaustion of all my emotions and I learned to let it go and I learned to have faith and that doesn't mean ignore what you feel or just sit and watch life happen to you? No, you are empowered to make choices for you, for your family.
You always have the freedom to direct your life in whatever direction you want it to [00:16:00] take. But sometimes, and sometimes it's in those particularly hard moments, you have to just say, you know what, I've been through hard things and I'll get through this too. And at the end of the day, the career, the money, the materialistic things, the busy-ness, none of it matters because the joy and the happiness and the fulfillment that you feel in those every day, small moments supersede any financial, any career and any materialistic item you could buy and truth be told, there's a lot of people with all those things and they may not have that inner peace as well. So it's not the end all be all. And if you could really give yourself that permission [00:17:00] to not tie productivity to your worth and not tie outcomes or achievements to your worth. And to really just know that your value is not in what you get done, but it is in who you are inherently. It is not in what you get. But it is in who you inherently are and that's the beauty, right? That's the beauty is understanding that it's not about the meals. It's not about the perfectness of your home. It's not about how many presents are under the tree. It's not about how many tasks you can check off your to-do list. And it's not about how many friends you have or how many [00:18:00] followers you have, or how many, birthday wishes you get on your birthday or about how many people comment on your post.
No, it's about you being just you, not what you do, not what you give to others, not what they get from you, but just you and surrounding yourself, what people that appreciate you and value you and uplift you and encourage you and love you just for you. That's the magic. That's where the magic happens. And it's not because of what you give to them and it's not because of what you can do for them.
It's just because you're you and it's in those moments, right? It's in those moments where we're surrounded by those people, [00:19:00] or even just alone with ourselves that we could sit there and truly appreciate who we are. Just as is, and the journey that we've been on and all the things that we've overcome and all the things that we have yet to enjoy in this life, that when you can sit there in that fulfillment and in that joy and in that contentness in your own feelings and your own thoughts, and just sit back in that couch and smile, give yourself a big old hug because you, my friend, deserve it.
As always, I promise to be here for you and serve you and cheer you on every step of the way and spill all the secrets of motherhood and life I wish someone told me. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You podcast. Until next time, keep on celebrating you because you, [00:20:00] my friend, are so worth it. I am literally doing my happy dance with you because you just finished another episode of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You. I felt like that episode flew by way too fast. Right? If you want more head over to www.realmomtruths.com for show notes, and if you're looking for a new mom group to uplift and encourage you, and for helpful tips, be sure to join me and my community on Facebook.
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