[00:00:00] Hey, my name is Patricia Ciavarello and I am obsessed with all things motherhood and helping you keep calm in the chaos of motherhood and life's unexpected moments. I am a mom of twins with a doctorate in business whose world fell apart and had to pick myself up piece by piece. I am not an expert, but I have totally been there, and I am so far from perfect, but definitely not afraid to get real and vulnerable.
I teach you the secrets to motherhood and life I wish someone told me, because as much as we wish there was, nobody hands you a mommy manual. So pull up a seat, get comfy and get ready for me to spill my secrets. This is Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You.
I am so grateful that you are tuned into this episode of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You.
I know as parents, so many times [00:01:00] we get so caught up in the dreams and the hopes that we have for our children and, you know, it can be really, really hard to detach from that sometimes. And look, let's just be honest. We want the best for our children. Right? We don't want them to struggle.
We don't want them to suffer. Right. That's just our love for our kids. We don't ever want that to happen. And in loving them so much sometimes it can be really hard as parents to really let them fail to succeed. And you're probably like, oh, what the hell does that mean fail to succeed? And I mean, I can honestly speak to this [00:02:00] personally because as a child I think looking back, you know, at all the times I remember coming home from school and, you know, relentlessly sitting at that desk and doing my homework and it's almost like looking back, I couldn't rest until it was done. And looking back now as an adult, I think I was afraid to fail. And I think that pressure is ultimately what gave me so much fear, so much anxiety.
And it really took me up until my adulthood to even recognize and figure it out. So looking back, of course, you know, hindsight's 20, 20, but [00:03:00] now as a mom I certainly don't want my children to feel that way. I mean, it was an immense, immense pressure. And sometimes, you know, it takes a little bit of humbleness and sometimes it takes a little bit of soul searching within ourselves.
And sometimes we have to look internally and say to ourselves, you know what am I so afraid of? You know, like whatever that may be, whether, you know, you're worried about your child's career path or their relationship or where they live or where they go to school or what team they play on, or, you know, they're failing this class or that class.
And look, I'm not saying don't encourage them to do well and, and thrive. But there comes a point where we have to take a look at [00:04:00] ourselves and say, well, am I pressuring them because of my own insecurities and my own fears, or is it really something that I think they would thrive in? And, you know, sometimes their dreams and hopes are different than what ours are.
I remember, you know, having so many conversations among friends and you know, what they went to school for and what they ultimately ended up doing later. I mean, so many of us are on this personal journey right. Of, okay this is what I was told I should do. Right. This is what I was told I was really good at, but sometimes, you know, after years and years you [00:05:00] realize you're like, Hmm, I kind of don't like it, or it's not something that lights me up and it can be a really bitter pill to swallow because you're like, oh my goodness after all that time and all the hours I invested in that career or school or whatever, you know, it almost makes you feel like a failure in a way, because you didn't recognize it in yourself early enough, but that's okay. Because every step in the journey is almost like a nugget of knowledge, right?
Whether that be your journey or your children's journey, every step in that process is a nugget and teaches you something to bring to the next and to the next and to the next. But at the end of the day, it's driving all of those decisions. And we really have to have the faith in our children [00:06:00] to let them make mistakes and let them fail and let them almost figure out their own journey because truth be told what you may have intended for them or what you may think, you know, is best for them may not be. They could get into that career and be miserable and yeah, maybe it pays great. And maybe on paper, it sounds great, you know, but what good is that if they're ultimately unhappy inside, because at the end of the day, there's, there's really no milestone or money that is going to make them happy. It's really filling that purpose within them, that unique gift within them, that only they possess and that only they can serve others with. And it's in [00:07:00] fulfilling that passion and purpose that is really going to light them up. And sometimes you know, that's not what we hoped or dreamed for them.
And sometimes it looks different and sometimes they'll fail and you know what failing is okay. It means they're trying, and through the mistakes, through the failures, through maybe reaching their bottom of the bottom, they learn resilience. And they will learn to pick themselves back up and they will learn the lesson from that mistake.
And they will try again and they will probably fail again and they will learn another lesson and another lesson and another lesson. And ultimately it makes them who they are. Although the product of all those experiences makes them who they are and grows them and stretches [00:08:00] in a way that we can't teach them, right.
They have to go through it to really learn and understand and figure out what it is that they want. I mean, what I thought I wanted when I was younger is completely different from what I want now. And that's kind of like the evolution of life, right? You, you think one thing and you grow and you learn and you stretch and things change. Right. Change is okay. And, you know, I think especially my generation of family, you know, they traditionally, you know, back then you just, you stayed at a job for 50 something years and you have retired. And that was it. Like it was a totally different life and experience than what it is now.
And I think ultimately at the end of the day, you know, maybe, maybe they [00:09:00] ignored their own hopes and dreams for that stability. I bet they did. And that's okay too, because they are aproduct of what their parents taught them. Right. But that stability is something that, you know, we're all grateful for because it gave us the opportunity to thrive too.
And at the end of the day, I think that, that stability that need for stability was ingrained in them, by their parents. So we're all products of what we learn. Right. And I bet if you asked your parents what would you do if money wasn't an option, maybe their answer would be different. You know, maybe they would have followed or chased those dreams.
But at the end of the day, if you shield your children from that [00:10:00] struggle, from that mistake, from that failure, then they're never gonna really be able to learn from that. It's through that growth that they really start to understand, you know, what do I want? What lights me up? Why did I make a mistake here?
What could I have done differently? What can I do better? And it's in that process that they really begin to understand who they are and what they love and what they want in this life. Because at the end of the day, love is not milestones and money. Right? The biggest gift as parents, as people, as humans, right that we can give each other is being there when they fall. Right. And loving them through that failure, through that mistake. And not in a, I [00:11:00] told you so kind of a way, but in a, I am here to support and uplift you. I am not here to judge you, you know? And, and I think that as they discover themselves and really have that safe space to have those conversations with you and tell you honestly, like I'm struggling, this is an area I'm struggling with, you know, I thought I would be happy and I'm not.
Like, can you talk to me about it let's be open to those conversations. And, you know, when you start to feel yourself, you know, chime in with what you think they should do, and I'm not saying don't give advice, of course give advice and, you know, be a great sounding board for them, but ultimately they have to listen to the voice inside of them.
And I think the most [00:12:00] unhappiest of people are people that have ignored that voice for so long. You know, that kind of did what they should have done instead of what they really felt deep inside they were meant to do. And, you know, look, I get it. People need to survive. People have to pay bills. Like there is a responsibilityin all of that, and, and I'm not saying don't be responsible, of course, be responsible and do what you have to do.
But what I mean is ignoring that passion, ignoring that voice, ignoring that inner calling, if you will and doing what you should do solely and not honoring that inner passion, that inner voice, that inner calling is doing an injustice to you and who [00:13:00] your children are as individuals, because they have some very specific and unique gifts that only they have that only they can give to this world that only they can serve this world with. And it may not look like what you imagined and may not look like what you thought it would be, but it's in those unique gifts that they can shine and truly be happy and truly become everything that they were intended to be.
And listen, that is going to reflect in everything that they do from relationships to just the way they live life daily. I mean, think of somebody who, you know, goes to a job they hate every day. How does that reflect in every other area of their life? Right. They're arguing with their partner.
They're probably short tempered with their kids. They're frustrated, they're angry at their boss. They're just miserable. And [00:14:00] it trickles down to every area in life. So if, if you can give them the freedom and the support to truly do their life's work and, and also, you know, survive and thrive and be able to live in a way that is independent in every aspect and support them through it and tell them, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for following your heart. I'm proud of you for learning everything you can. I'm proud of you for taking action. I'm proud of you for failing because you know what that means you're trying. And when you do, I'll be here, you know, and we'll figure it out together. And it's really through that unconditional love and through the freedom to be who they [00:15:00] are and how they want to envision their life. I mean, look, there are so many children that are just like overwhelmed and over scheduled and over pressured. And I'm not saying don't set goals and I'm not saying don't do amazing things or any of that. But when it starts to impact their mental health, you know, if they feel like a failure if they don't make the team, if they feel like a failure because you know, they got a C on that test and you've paid for, you know, a hundred hours of tutors and, and whatnot.
If they start to tie their worth to these milestones, that's where it becomes a problem because now all of a sudden their worth is not tied to who they are as is. [00:16:00] It's tied to what they accomplish, what they produce, what productivity they have. And that is a very, very, very dangerous road because their love should be unconditional just for being.
And I know it's hard and you get caught up in, you know, comparison analysis and looking at other children and other families and comparing it. But I'm telling you this with the utmost sincerity, happiness is the greatest gift that you can give them. Not the milestones, not the money, not the the team,not the Ivy league school they got into, and all those things are great experiences, right? I'm not taking away from that, but it does not define their worth. And it doesn't ultimately guarantee that they will be happy. So going on that journey [00:17:00] and really giving them thefreedom and permission to find happiness , ultimately, that's all they want. Right. All they want. I think every parent, if you ask them, what is the one wish you have for your children? I think most would say, I just want them to be happy and being happy is rooted in being their authentic self and supporting them and loving them through that.
And being there when they fall and, you know, encouraging them through their mistakes, happiness is the greatest gift you can give them. And happiness is not what milestones or money can ever buy. So the next time, and it inevitably will happen because it happens to all of us. When your fear comes in [00:18:00] and is challenging you, right?
And your hopes and dreams, don't align with something that your child is pursuing. I want you to stop right there in that moment and ask yourself, what am I afraid of? Why does this scare me so much? And listening to that inner voice within you and understanding that fear is okay, and we're all afraid, right?
And we all don't want our children to suffer and we all want them not to struggle. And we all want them to have better than we did and, and just thrive in this life. But as parents ultimately our job to not shield them from those mistakes [00:19:00] or trying to control the fear that we feel. But it's being there with them throughout the journey and being that shoulder of support.
And love, unconditional love, that is not tied to any milestone, any money, any achievement, and is just loving them for being them. And that, that is the greatest gift we can ever give them.
As always, I promise to be here for you and serve you and cheer you on every step of the way and spill all the secrets of motherhood and life I wish someone told me. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You podcast. Until next time, keep on celebrating you because you, my friend, are so worth it. I am literally doing my happy dance with you because you just finished [00:20:00] another episode of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You. I felt like that episode flew by way too fast. Right? If you want more head over to www.realmomtruths.com for show notes, and if you're looking for a new mom group to uplift and encourage you, and for helpful tips, be sure to join me and my community on Facebook.
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