Episode 17 - Stop sitting there silently angry
[00:00:00] Hey, my name is Patricia Ciavarello and I am obsessed with all things motherhood and helping you keep calm in the chaos of motherhood and life's unexpected moments. I am a mom of twins with a doctorate in business who's world fell apart and had to pick myself up piece by piece. I am not an expert, but I have totally been there, and I am so far from perfect, but definitely not afraid to get real and vulnerable.
I teach you the secrets to motherhood and life I wish someone told me, because as much as we wish there was, nobody hands you a mommy manual. So pull up a seat, get comfy and get ready for me to spill my secrets. This is Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You.
I am so grateful that you are tuned into this episode of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You.
Have you ever just sat there in your thoughts? Angry and just sitting there silently festering over whatever it is that might be bothering you in that moment. I want you to think about the last time this may have happened to you and think about what it is that you are angry about.
I'm laughing because I have these things in my teeth, these invisible liners.
And I feel like every time I talk, I lisp and I'm not used to seeing, hearing myself do that. So that was my mommy gift to me. Invisalign liners because I always wanted them. And I always [00:02:00] since, oh my gosh, maybe high school have wanted to get braces, but I didn't want like the headache of braces, you know? And I'm not being paid to say this. I just have Invisalign by the way. And I finally, as a mommy, treat to myself, got them. And now every time I talk, I have this lisp that I'm not used to hearing myself. So if you hear it, there you go. Now, you know exactly why it's happening.
So anyways, back to this, I can remember so many times, and this is actually a lesson I learned late into my adulthood and it kind of combined into motherhood because I couldn't sit angry anymore. I had to really like speak my truth and find my voice both in motherhood and every other situation. And prior to motherhood, I would just kind of sit there and sulk, you know, I'd sit there. I'd be like really angry. I'd give the silent treatment.
It's almost like I couldn't get the words out. So I want to know, have you ever experienced that? Have you ever sat there like silently angry and maybe the person sitting next to you or maybe somebody like a friend that did you wrong or work or whatever it is. And I want you to think about the times where you sat there silently angry versus the times where maybe you address the situation.
And I know it's really hard to kind of communicate in those moments where you're really angry and you just want to explode, but sitting there silently angry is doing you no [00:04:00] favors because odds are, you're just bubbling inside and about to bubble over maybe. And the person you're angry at probably doesn't even know.
Right. Or maybe they do know it, but you know, the silent treatment isn't exactly getting you anywhere because nobody's talking. So I encourage you to think about the last time, when were you mad at someone and you kind of sat there resentful or angry? I mean, I know that in motherhood, this almost like scorecard I hear about a lot. Well, I did this and he didn't do that. And you know, I do so much and I do all this and he doesn't, or, you know, whatever that dynamic is in your relationship. And you kind of sit there, like tapping your foot on the floor or shaking your leg. And you're like chomping at the bit to say something and maybe you do, and maybe you don't, but you can't be mad at someone who doesn't know how you feel, and this applies to any relationship, whether it's friendship, whether it's family, whether it's relatives and I used to be that person that would kind of just fester, right. And motherhood really helped me find that voice because I had to find that voice for my children and that in turn ended up being my voice for everything, my voice and friendships, my voice and my feelings, my voice to my family, my voice in what truly made me happy, and my voice in how I wanted to live my life, what I wanted it to look like, my voice and establishing boundaries, my voice and speaking up when I'm not happy with something, my voice and just honoring me.[00:06:00]
And, you know, sometimes, especially when you grow up with the people pleasing mentality, it can be hard to find that voice. And sometimes we sit there silently angry and it just doesn't serve you. It just doesn't serve you. I'll give you a perfect example. And this is a hypothetical example, but let's say you had a really hard day with the kids and your husband comes home.
Or your partner or your spouse and sits on the couch, watches TV. And you're busy preparing dinner and clearing the table and doing all this stuff. And you're just like, really, you know, really, you're just going to sit there. You're not going to help me. You're not going to say hi to the kids. You're not going to involve yourself.
You're not going to ask about, how was your day, oh my day was great. Thanks for asking, you know, like that kind of situation. But if you just sit there and you silently sit at the dinner table and you're like, stabbing your fork in your chicken or whatever you're eating and your, you know, person asks you what's wrong. And you're like, nothing.
Classic statement. Right. Nothing.. But you know, something's wrong. You're just not saying it. What's wrong, nothing. And then finally you say what's wrong and you explode. All right. That doesn't serve the problem. But if you can step back from that bubbling up of anger and you can say, you know what, I know you had a really hard day.
I did too. And I know you just want to relax and watch TV, but it would really mean a lot to me if you helped me set table or go play a game with the kids to distract them so I can finish up or just give me a hug and ask me how I'm doing. Ask me how my day went, like, see me [00:08:00] and I'll tell you one thing you might be saying to yourself, oh, you know, they'll never respond in the way that I want.
They'll never acknowledge, or they'll never help. You might be saying that, but you know what, first and foremost, it doesn't matter how they respond because what's important is your voice matters. But second. You might be pleasantly surprised because I know that from personal experience, when I come at a situation aggressively or defensively, I often don't get the same reaction or result as I do when I come from a place of understanding.
And even though I might be really mad at them in the moment, and look, I'm not perfect. I get upset, just like anybody else, my husband and I, we have arguments just like anyone else. I mean, this is real life, right. But I've learned, especially in motherhood, especially for the big stuff. Right. When you're just so overwhelmed and so over tired.
And so, you know, maybe you're dealing with this specific challenge or your kids are sick or something. Especially in those moments, communication is so vital. And if you can't communicate about the little stuff, then you're going to boil over when it comes to the big stuff. And it took a real moment of vulnerability and honesty and saying, you know what, I'm really having a hard time today, or I'm really tired, or, you know, why can't you just like, give me a hug when you come home?
Because I've had a really hard day. It would really just make me feel better or let's find something to watch together that we can both enjoy at the end of the day or something. We could laugh too, or let's plan a day just for us. Or I know you might be really tired tonight. Why don't [00:10:00] you relax? But you know, tomorrow I'd really appreciate if you can help me out and maybe I could take a minute to myself or an hour to myself, or go out with the girls or whatever, that communication that back and forth that give and take, that understanding is so vital, especially in parenthood. And you know, if that person doesn't acknowledge you or doesn't help or doesn't validate you or doesn't listen, I will tell you two things.
I would encourage you to do two things. One don't give up because maybe they didn't listen on the third, the fourth, the fifth, the six time, but maybe the 10th time it will hit a nerve and maybe it comes to a point where they never listen. And then you have to really think about how you want to be treated as a person, as a human, and see if you can meet in the middle.
Right. And look, there's always work to be done in any relationship. I don't care how long you've been together. How lovey or amazing the relationship is. There's always work to be done, whether your relationship is falling apart or flying through the sky.. There's always growth and growth starts with you.
It starts with you as an individual. It starts with you fixing you in the sense of speaking your truth, finding your voice and knowing that your voice matters. And then once you know that, then you can start to be able to communicate differently. And then you can really get a sense of you know, who's willing to put in the work.
Are you willing to put in the work [00:12:00] and not give up? Because sometimes it takes, sometimes it takes a lot of work. Sometimes it takes a lot of work and it might seem like you're at the pits of the pits. And suddenly out of nowhere, something changes. And I want you to know that that's possible. I want you to know that this is absolutely possible, but I also want you to know that it's okay to walk away, especially in situations where you really kind of knew all along that this isn't the right space for you.
And, you know, it's really hard when it comes to children because of course, nobody wants to break up a family and everybody wants that perfect picture with a perfect family. But the truth of the matter is the perfect family exists when mom and dad are whole. And if mom and dad are not whole in the relationship that they can't be whole as a family.
So do the work, seek a professional, get help, work on, you know, the big, if there's some really big issues in your relationship, get that help. And if you need to communicate better, start those steps, speak your truth. You know, sometimes all it takes is one truly vulnerable conversation to make an incredible impact.
You don't necessarily need, you know, weeks of therapy and months of therapy. Sometimes it just takes breaking wide open to really see the wholeness of what's possible in your relationship. And I know that, like, for example, my husband and I, [00:14:00] we went through some really hard moments. We are raising twins and you know, it was hard.
And there are times where I would, you know, be really struggling and cry at the kitchen table, but I didn't sit there silent. I told him, I shared them. I said, look, I'm really having a hard time. This is hard. And you know, like this was just a really hard day and I feel so overwhelmed and you know, I just don't know what to do.
And it takes moments like that. Where, where he can see my true rawness, my true need for compassion, that he was like, whoa, you know what? She's not kidding. She really needs me. I better step it up. And he did not that he didn't before, but in a way that we were able to communicate on another level than we ever did before.
And it was from those raw moments and those honest conversations and truly speaking the truth. And that means speaking the truth. Everything. I mean, you know, as a new mom, the unsolicited advice is just rampant, right? People are going to come at you with advice from every corner, do this, do that, don't do this.
You should do that. And just speaking that truth and, you know, take the advice ,I'm not saying don't listen, take the advice. But at the end of the day, don't be defensive. Value input and value advice, but trust that inner knowing and have a confidence in your own decisions and know that you have everything it takes and everything you need to make those decisions.
And you know, whether it relates to speaking your truth about what you're going through right now, whether it [00:16:00] relates to speaking truths about past hurts that you're holding on. Don't sit there, silently angry at people. And I mean, anyone, whether that's a friend that hurt you and you just haven't had the nerve to tell her yet, go call her up and say, you know what?
I love you to death. You are like my sister, but you know what? You hurt me to the core and this is why and speak that truth. And, you know, tell her or him. I value this friendship. I value it so much that I'm coming you today, honest and vulnerable and sharing how I feel because I want to make it better.
And how can we do that? And, you know, sometimes it means walking away. Sometimes it means walking away from toxic people. Whether that's friendships, relationships, relatives, right? Sometimes it just means setting a boundary and walking away. But when it comes to your family or your children, don't get discouraged, don't get in a space where you're just certain that you're certain, that you're certain that nothing's going to work because it's really, truly a work in progress.
And it happens in small steps and it happens through vulnerability and yeah, sometimes there is a warranted reason to walk away. Absolutely. But if you put in the work and you can say with all your power and with all clarity that, you know what, I spoke my truth, I did the work. I honored my voice. Then you will have nothing left [00:18:00] unsaid, and no regrets. And you will be really surprised at some of the reactions you get are probably going to be completely opposite of what you expected and maybe they're going through something and you have no idea. But unless you have those conversations, unless you speak your truth, unless you honor that voice, you'll never know.
And you may be sitting there silently angry forever, and ever, and ever and never speak about what needs to be spoken about or never honor that voice. And that that is not honoring you. So it takes courage and it takes bravery and it takes resilience. But once you speak that truth and you honor, you will feel so alive inside because you know you were true to you regardless of what the response is right now, or in a week or in a month or an a year.
Regardless of that response, you were true to you, but you'd be surprised at the positive response you will get from truly being vulnerable and honest. And you may get a level of support that you never even knew existed from friends, from family, from partners, from spouses, but they can't read your mind.
So it's really important to honor that voice and honor that truth and have those conversations because ultimately your voice matters and you, my friend have everything it takes and everything you need to speak your truth and honor you.
As always, I promise to be here for you and serve you and cheer you on every step of the way and [00:20:00] spill all the secrets of motherhood and life I wish someone told me. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You podcast. Until next time, keep on celebrating you, because you, my friend, you are so worth it.
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