Episode 20 You are not alone
Patricia Ciavarello: Hey, my name is Patricia Ciavarello and I am obsessed with all things motherhood and helping you keep calm in the chaos of motherhood and life's unexpected moments. I am a mom of twins with a doctorate in business whose world fell apart and had to pick myself up piece by piece. I am not an expert, but I have totally been there, and I am so far from perfect, but definitely not afraid to get real and vulnerable.
I teach you the secrets to motherhood and life I wish someone told me, because as much as we wish there was, nobody hands you a mommy manual. So pull up a seat, get comfy and get ready for me to spill my secrets. This is Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You.
I am so grateful that you are tuned into this episode of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You.
Now I know as a new mom, a lot of times, you know, we spend all this time anticipating the arrival of that beautiful baby. And then, you know, everything happens so quickly, you know, at the hospital, or maybe we're at home or however things unraveled in that moment for you.
And next thing you know it before you can even blink you're home and you have this beautiful baby in your arms and life can't be any more perfect. Right. And then after a few days, or maybe even a few weeks, maybe the shift that has happened the change that has happened in this new role called motherhood starts to kind of catch you off guard.
And maybe you feel alone a little bit, or maybe you feel a little lonely. And I want to start off by saying first and foremost, that is totally normal. Totally normal. It does not make you a bad mom. It does not make you cold hearted. It is totally normal. I mean, I remember when I first came home with the twins, it was like life just flipped over on its head.
And I'm not saying that by any means a bad way because I was so grateful and so happy and so in love with them, but I wasn't prepared for the adjustment mentally that I was about to embark on the change and just life, like day-to-day life, and, you know, just having the responsibility of a baby 24/7 on any human being is a lot to take on and it's worth every second and worth every effort.
But a lot of times, I feel like people are ashamed to talk about the hard moments and the tough moments and the moments they feel burnt out, the moments they're, you know, sitting on the bed or the couch lonely. And, you know, maybe you even start to question yourself, like, am I making the right decisions?
Am I doing the right thing? You know, why are they making this sound or why aren't they sleeping or is this the right thing to give them. And, you know, it can be a lot. And at the end of the day, you know, guilt sets in and am I making the right choices and why am I even lonely? Why am I even sad? You know, I have no grounds to be sad.
I have this beautiful baby. And, you know, maybe even telling yourself people would be so grateful to be in my shoes and that's true, but that doesn't take away from how you're feeling and that doesn't take away from your emotions. I mean, look, you have just been through a lot. Okay. Your body has completely changed.
You're going through healing. I mean, you had a human growing inside you for nine months and it's like, you're expected to just go home and know it all. That's just not reality. You're going to figure it out as you go and you're going to stretch and you're going to come into yourself and grow that confidence.
And, you know, on top of maybe some body changes that you might be going through, maybe your relationship with your partner has changed. And now all of a sudden you don't have time for each other and maybe bickering with each other about all the little things about how to do this or how to do that, or who gets up when and who does what better.
And you know, all those arguments that happen in everyday life that maybe just even get amplified in this season because you're tired and you're exhausted. And, just burnt out. Right. And you know, your priorities, they do on 180. Whereas, you know, prior to kids, you just had the freedom to leave the house, walk out the door, meet a friend, grab a coffee.
And I'm not saying that none of that is doable when you have a baby by no means. Your priorities are different, right? You're probably staying home a lot more. You're probably, you know, unable to meet with friends that you met with before, or, you know, maybe you can leave the house for an hour or two and, and you find yourself, you know, coming home quickly to get to the next thing.
And none of that is necessarily bad. From a human perspective, from a social perspective, from a connection perspective, that could be hard, right? And maybe you find yourself even scrolling social media and comparing yourself to others and saying, well, how did they do it? What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?
And the truth is there's nothing wrong with you. Absolutely nothing wrong with you because you, my friend are doing amazing. And you're stepping into this role called motherhood. And the truth is that things aren't the same, but that's okay. Everything will change your, your mindset, your perspective, your relationship with your partner.
And I don't mean that in necessarily a negative way, but your priorities will change. Your friendships will change. And that's okay because you're not the same person you were before you had a baby, you have evolved into a mom and a caregiver and a protector and a fierce one at that I'm sure. And it can be hard sometimes to make that adjustment into motherhood and except the fact that maybe you're feeling lonely or accept the fact that you're tired or come to terms with moments when you question yourself or feel guilty about whether you're making the right choices or why you're sad, because at the end of the day you have everything it takes and everything you need.
And part of stepping into motherhood is really coming into yourself as a mom, that's going to give you that confidence to not beat yourself up about things. I mean, I remember when I first came home from the hospital and I had a C-section and. I had a pretty difficult recovery. I was in a lot of pain and I remember the first time I actually saw my post C-section pregnancy body, I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror.
And at first it was like super shocking. I was like, wow. It was almostlike I felt like I was looking at somebody else in the mirror. Didn't even recognize myself in the mirror. And that could be hard for a new mom to kind of embrace, right. Because all we see in television and movies and social media is like, you know, picture perfect bodies and celebrities that just bounce back and looks like they were never even pregnant.
Right. But the reality is. You're beautiful. Exactly as you are. And maybe you don't feel like that right now and that's okay. But that beautiful body gave you your most precious gift. So don't, you dare speak to it negatively because without that, without those battle scars, you wouldn't have the gift that you have today.
And, you know, sometimes I think we just hold ourselves to these perfectionist standards and, you know, we want everything to be perfect and right back where it was. And look, I get it because even now, I mean, sometimes, you know, you miss seeing the old you, right. But at the end of the day, you are not who you were before and it's stepping into that new you.
Embracing your new you, right. And embracing that new relationship with your partner. Maybe it's not like it was before. And maybe you're bickering a little bit more than you used to, or maybe, you're at each other's throats completely. I've been there. You know, the first two years with twins was super, super hard.
And I don't mean that in a negative way. I had the best memories in the best moments with my twins, but it was hard. It was tough and it's still tough, but you know what? It forced me to have honest conversations with my partner. It forced me to be vulnerable. It forced me to cry when I needed to cry and ask for what I needed and not sit there, silently resentful about it.
It forced me to really establish boundaries with my partner, my family, my friends. Right. And it forced me to step into maybe some uncomfortable moments that I wasn't ready to step into. And, you know, it would cause me so much anxiety and worry. But when I started to put one step in front of the other and really speak my truth and step into that honesty and step into that vulnerability and say, God, you know, I'm lonely.
I miss just leaving the house like I used to. Like, I had these visions of motherhood of like, you know, just popping the two kids in my arms and like walking down the stairs and like going to the zoo. And in reality, I felt like a hot mess. Right. And sometimes. What we expect and what reality is, are two different things and it can be hard to swallow or understand or accept.
But at the end of the day, the more that I honored my truth and the more that I spoke my truth and I stopped beating myself up and I trusted my decisions and I trusted that I knew I was doing the right thing, even if I was exhausted, even if I felt uncomfortable having that conversation, even if I felt uncomfortable establishing that boundary, even though I felt uncomfortable looking in that mirror, even though my priorities were different, even though my friendships have changed, I knew that at the end of the day, I was making the right choices for me and my family.
And the friendships that are meant to last will remain. And the friendships that you have yet to make will come. Right. But stop comparing yourself to what you see on social media, because you're seeing highlights. You're not seeing the real truth, right? You're not seeing their hard moments.
You're not seeing moments where maybe they're lonely sitting on the couch or they're arguing with their partner, or, you know, they're really wanting to meet up with a friend for dinner or drink or they just want to go out for an extended period of time and do something for themselves.
Right. You're not seeing that, but at the end of the day, we all crave connection. We all crave social interaction and comparing yourself to something you see on social media or something you think another family is doing better than you is just not serving you because, it's probably not true. And you're doing a darn good job.
And maybe it doesn't feel that way, or maybe nobody's told you that, but I'm going to tell you that because I know as a new mom, I questioned myself at every turn on every decision. I mean, everything. I mean, whether it was what they ate or what they drank. toy to buy what, everything, you just don't want to make the wrong choice and you want to help them and not hurt them.
And that pressure can be overwhelming and that pressure can be debilitating. And at the end of the day, we're human, right? We're all gonna make mistakes. And we're going to learn from them and grow from them and do it differently and better next time. So give yourself some grace. Allow yourself to feel confident in where you are right now.
Allow yourself to know that it's okay to be lonely because you know what? You are not alone. So many moms are right there beside you feeling the exact same way, and it doesn't make you crazy. And it doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human. Okay. So I want you to do a few things for you. I want you to speak your truth, whatever that is, whether it's calling up a friend or a family member and saying, look, I'm really having a hard time.
I'm really lonely. Can you come over a little while and keep me company, or can you watch the baby so I can run out, just take a breath, you know, stop hiding in the unspoken truths and stop holding yourself to unrealistic standards. You know, you don't have to be there 24/7.
You can step away. You can take a minute, you can take a breath, nothing's going to happen. Surround yourself with people you trust, whether that be a friend, whether that be your spouse, whether that be family. But take a minute for you because the moment you continue to hold yourself to unrealistic standards is the moment you start to burn out and you try and do everything.
And eventually you're just going to be so exhausted and so tired and have no energy left for you, your spouse, or anyone else. And you know, it's okay to talk to a professional. It's okay to speak your truth with them. They are, especially the good ones, right, they are the most empathetic listeners and they will help you talk through your emotions.
And most importantly, they will help you understand you're not crazy for feeling this way and you are not alone for feeling this way. And sometimes it's that third party that's not connected to you. That's not your friend. That's not your family. That doesn't know everything about you that can give you that perspective and clarity that you need. And I want you to take time for you because that loneliness is real and we all need connection and we all need something to refuel us. Right? So maybe it's meeting a friend for a cup of coffee. Maybe it's getting your hair done. Maybe it's getting a massage.
Maybe it's taking a walk in nature. Maybe it's going shopping, buying yourself a new outfit, whatever that is. Take time for you. Allow yourself to take time for you because you deserve it, my friend, you deserve it. And at the end of the day, a happy healthy mom equals a happy, healthy baby.
As always, I promise to be here for you and serve you and cheer you on every step of the way and spill all the secrets of motherhood and life I wish someone told me. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You podcast. Until next time, keep on celebrating you because you, my friend, are so worth it. I am literally doing my happy dance with you because you just finished another episode of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You. I felt like that episode flew by way too fast. Right? If you want more head over to www.realmomtruths.com for show notes, and if you're looking for a new mom group to uplift and encourage you, and for helpful tips, be sure to join me and my community on Facebook.
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