22. Relationships 101
Hey, my name is Patricia Ciavarello and I am obsessed with all things motherhood and helping you keep calm in the chaos of motherhood and life's unexpected moments. I am a mom of twins with a doctorate in business whose world fell apart and had to pick myself up piece by piece. I am not an expert, but I have totally been there, and I am so far from perfect, but definitely not afraid to get real and vulnerable.
I teach you the secrets to motherhood and life I wish someone told me, because as much as we wish there was, nobody hands you a mommy manual. So pull up a seat, get comfy and get ready for me to spill my secrets. This is Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You.
I am so grateful that you are tuned into this episode of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You.
Today. I want to talk about love, love, and relationships and all the pieces that go along with it. Now, whether you are looking for love or trying to hold on to love, or maybe even missing love you're in the right place, because I want to touch on each of these moments in life because I think each at some point in all our lives, we're all in these phases at some point or another, and each has a lesson and a story to tell.
So let's start by tackling the one that I think I personally hear most often about, and that is the trying to hold on to love. So maybe your a new mom or a seasoned mom and you know, maybe you had a pretty good relationship before starting a family and things or on the up and up. And then all of a sudden you have a baby in the household.
And with that, as we all know, comes all these obligations and all these responsibilities and the nature of your relationship changes. And that's not necessarily a bad thing because I think it would be unrealistic to think that it wouldn't right, because so many new shifts are coming into play. So first and foremost is if you see a shift in your relationship after having a baby, a hundred percent, that is totally normal and to be expected.
So don't let that set off alarm bells for you. But what I want you to take a second and just think about is in the chaos and busy-ness of a newborn, right? When you're, you know, up at night and feeding and changing and burping and all the nuances that go along with that, you know, most times you have little to no time to focus on each other because you're so busy with all the new intricacies that go along with new motherhood. Right. And that's fine and understandable. But what I want you to not forget is at the end of the day, that connection and that communication between the two of you is what is going to strengthen you through the hard times. Right? So let's just say, for example, you've been up all night, you're exhausted and maybe your partner or your spouse, you know, throws their clothes all over the floor and you see it and it triggers you. And you're like, oh, my goodness. I have been up all night taking care of this baby.
And now look at this. Now I have to be the maid and clean up. Right. And maybe it triggers you and sets you off, right? Maybe it wouldn't have triggered you, you know, if the situation was what it was or maybe it would have triggered you regardless. But my point is this. Maybe you pick up the clothes and you shove them in the hamper and you know, you're kind of like grumbling under your breath and, and angry about it.
Right. And I'm using this as a very simple example, but it really applies to anything, right? Whatever triggers you. The next morning comes, and you've been all up all night and you're exhausted and you're tired and you wake up again to see the same pair of socks on the floor. And you grumble and you get angry and you shove them in the hamper.
Right? Most people would do one of two things, either explode at their partner and say, you know what, that's the least you can do, you know, pick up your socks. I'm exhausted. I have no time for this. Right. And then maybe even get into a little argument about it or option two. It's usually sitting in silence and being resentful about it.
And I think this is the biggest lesson that comes into relationships. And it's really applicable whether you're mom or not. Right. You can't sit there silently angry over something that somebody else doesn't know. Right. So if you're angry about those socks and you never tell, you can't be angry at them because you've never communicated that need to them.
Okay. Now on the flip side, let's just say you did communicate and you communicated it very aggressively and you got into this big argument about it. Well, one, I want to congratulate you for sharing your truth and voicing what's bothering you because a lot of people don't do that.
But what I want to encourage you is to communicate in a way that is less reactive and more vulnerable, right. Because we can all lose our cool, right. And we can all blow a gasket and throw a fit over socks on the floor. But it's this communication it's learning this communication tactic that is going to help you, not only in the sock saga, right?
But in so many challenges down the road, right. When it's bigger stuff and you don't want to sit there resentful and quiet and kind of to yourself, but you also don't want to be exploding at every moment's notice either. So it's almost finding that balance between the two. And it's through that openness and vulnerability that really starts to develop a skill within you to share in a way that's true to you and that honors your emotions and your thoughts and everything, but also is not so explosive in a way that your partner can hear you and really take it.
So that skill, that muscle, that learning how to kind of catch ourselves in those moments where either we're too afraid to speak up , or when we speak up in an explosive way is really, what's going to give you that gift of communication between the two of you so there isn't resentment. So there isn't explosion.
So there isn't this kind of roller coaster of emotions that you go through throughout the day. I mean, look, let's be truthful if you're a new mom or even a seasoned mom, life is busy and to spend the time bickering and arguing over the little suff, maybe it's even the big stuff too. I mean, look, that's life.
You're going to argue. You're going to have issues in your relationship that needs to be addressed head-on and, and work through. But at the same time, it's finding your voice within, and it's finding your voice that's not afraid to speak up, but also is not reactive and defensive and explosive. It's being able to communicate in a way that not only serves your partner, but serves you.
That really stems into a self-awareness that maybe you've never even tapped into. So I'll give you an example. Let's say you were bullied as a child and let's say you have a hard time speaking your truth, whatever that may be. It could be the smallest thing to the biggest thing. Right. Just speaking up, maybe you don't speak up at meetings.
Maybe you go to dinner with friends and you're quiet at the table. Maybe you don't speak up when someone offends you, maybe you are afraid to confront or disappoint others, right. It could be a million different things. So let's just say that experience that you had as a child has kind of stolen your voice, right?
And here you are in a relationship and maybe even as a new mom, and not only are you responsible for speaking your truth in your relationship, but now you're responsible for this tiny little human and you're their voice too. And for someone that has a hard time speaking their truth just in everyday life, that level of responsibility can be overwhelming and it could cause anxiety.
And I want you to know that if you're feeling that it's okay, but there is a voice inside of you waiting to come out and that voice is there and waiting for you to have the confidence, to own your authenticity, and by owning your authenticity, all I mean by that is just speaking up and not questioning yourself about it
or being stuck in your head about it, not worrying about what a, B, C, D, and E and F and G people think, right? Just speaking your truth, but in a way that not only honors and serves you, but honors and serve serves the person you're communicating with. Right. And look, this is not perfectionism. There's going to be moments where you blow up.
There's going to be moments when you don't speak your truth, but that awareness and acknowledgement of, hey, I feel something right now. I feel that urge to speak up, to say something, let me honor that and try to communicate better. That is what is going to be the foundation for your relationships and not just romantically, but in friendships and family and everything.
Right. But let's take it on the flip side. Let's say you're looking for love and maybe you haven't had a good track record or maybe you've had relationships that have fell through and you're looking for love. I want to challenge you to think of one thing before you look for love externally.
And I want you to look at yourself within, and I want you to really assess. Are you loving yourself? What is the relationship with yourself before you look to any exterior person for love or validation in the relationship? I want you to stop and think what relationship do you have with yourself? Because it's that relationship that's the most important. You know, so many times we look externally, externally for love, and externally for validation. And it stems from a lack of confidence in ourselves, a lack of love for ourselves, because at the end of the day, if you don't have love for yourself, you'll never be able to receive love from someone else in a way that truly serves an honors you. So if you're looking for love or even if you're in a relationship truly. The relationship that you have with yourself is frontline attention for you to really dig deep and say, am I really loving myself? Am I being true to me? Or am I searching for that love in somebody else? Because, unless you truly love yourself and you truly have a space within you, that you are giving yourself the love that you ultimately deserve from someone else, someone else will never be able to fill those shoes.
It has to come from you first. And when it does, and you truly love yourself wholeheartedly and are able to acknowledge and receive that, then the love that you get from somebody else is just the building block to that and it grows an abundance of connection and love, not only for yourself, but between each other.
I'll give you the perfect example. If you look at yourself in the mirror and you say. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I look horrible and just completely negative self-talk yourself. No matter what your partner says to you about how beautiful you look or how gorgeous you look or how they love you exactly how you are. None of that matters if that's what you see in the mirror, right? So it goes both ways in relationships and in loving yourself. If you can't love yourself, no love that somebody else gives you is going to suffice because ultimately the root of you loving yourself as missing. And when you can fill that void and truly love and accept yourself through all your imperfections, through all your mistakes, through all of whatever it is that you're beating yourself up about. When you can love yourself and stop searching for outside approval and stop searching for outside validation and stop searching for outside love. That's where the magic happens. Right? And maybe you're in a stage where you're missing love. Maybe you're in a stage where you had a great love that maybe you lost, or maybe you had a relationship that failed and you're missing that companion.
I want you to also take a look at yourself and say, what do I need right now? Not what somebody can give me, not what am I missing? But what do I need right now? Maybe you're lonely. And you need to get out and connect with other people. I'm not talking about romantically. I'm talking like join a community group, join a group of people that you enjoy being together, paint, go out in nature, do whatever it is that fills your cup so that you and only you are coming from a place of fullness and happiness. And if you happen to get love again, or get into another relationship or find that connection that you lost or have been searching for, you're coming from a place of fullness and happiness and fulfillment. And you're not trying to necessarily get that from somebody else.
And sometimes all it takes is just a connection and it doesn't have to be a romantic connection. It could be a connection with a friend, with a sister, with a neighbor, with a church, with a group, with a community, right. That connection that sisterhood or friendship that just fills your cup in a way that a romantic partner can't. Everybody has different characteristics.
So maybe your friend fills, a joy in you, or you do things together that maybe you don't do with your partner or, but it's that acting on the emotion, right. That emotion of loneliness. So if you're feeling that space of loneliness, act on it and do something to serve you in that emotion, do something to connect you with others.
And I don't just mean romantically. I just mean form that connection with others that you just enjoy being around and fill your days with something to look forward to with excitement and happiness. And you know, whether you're in a relationship or not, you'll be happy and fulfilled because you're doing things that serve and nurture you.
And if it's the right relationship, that partner will just compound to that and add to that fullness and add to that love and add to that fulfillment in a way that that partner could never give you before you went on this journey of self-awareness to begin with. So whether you're looking for love, whether you're in a relationship and trying to regain that love or whether you're missing love, I want you to just take a moment for you right now, and I want you to stop and connect with that self and ask yourself. What do I need right now? What is it that I'm feeling right now that I need to work on that I need to become more aware of that I need to love myself more of? What is it that I need to do in order to feel a fullness from within, regardless of what my relationship status is. And that right there is the million dollar question, because once you can answer that authentically and have a connection with yourself that serves you in a way that loves yourself, every other relationship is a compliment to that. And even if it's not the right relationship, you will know intuitively because of the relationship with yourself that it's time to walk away. So before you search outward, I want you to search inward, ask yourself these questions, see what you need from yourself. See how you can love yourself better and build the best relationship with yourself that you can ever have before you start to build the ones that you search for on the outside.
Because once you can really, truly sink your teeth into that connection with you, the connection with others, just flourishes.
As always, I promise to be here for you and serve you and cheer you on every step of the way and spill all the secrets of motherhood and life I wish someone told me. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You podcast. Until next time, keep on celebrating you because you, my friend, are so worth it. I am literally doing my happy dance with you because you just finished another episode of Real Mom Truths Nobody Tells You. I felt like that episode flew by way too fast. Right? If you want more head over to www.realmomtruths.com for show notes, and if you're looking for a new mom group to uplift and encourage you, and for helpful tips, be sure to join me and my community on Facebook.
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